Thursday, January 26, 2006

Fw: Signs of life

 



Signs of life

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.

Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On Maternity Room Door: "Push,Push,Push".

On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

Scientist's Door: Gone Fission.

Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.

Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.

Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.

Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.

Sign on Fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive".

Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

Hotel: "Help!" We need inn - experienced people.

Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.

Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?

Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Music Teacher's Door: "Out Chopin"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be".

Beauty Shop: Dye now!

Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte" .

Restaurant Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

Music Library: Bach in a minuet.

Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.

General Conference: Welcome! We're generally in conference. 


Saturday, December 24, 2005

FW: A Kids Perspective

 


>> > >>>Cute things kids say about Moms.  A lot of these    I've already seen, but
>> >a
>> > >>>few I haven't.  And the last one is hilarious!!
>> > >>>
>> > >>>"Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school age children to
>> > >>>the following questions:
>> > >>>
>> > >>>********************
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  Why did God make mothers?
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  2. Mostly to clean the house.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  *******************
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  How did God make mothers?
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
>> > >>> parts.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  ************************
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  What ingredients are mothers made of?
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
>> > >>> in the world and one dab of mean.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
>> > >>> string, I think.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  ****************************
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  1. We're related.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  ******************************
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  What kind of little girl was your Mom?
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
>> > >>> bossy.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  3. They say she used to be nice.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  ************************
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  1. His last name.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
>> > >>> drunk on beer?
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES
>> >to
>> > >>> chores?
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  *************************
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  Why did your Mom marry your dad?
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a
>> >lot.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  *******************
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  Who's the boss at your house?
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a
>> > >>> goof ball.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
>> > >>> bed.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to
>> do than dad.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  *****************************
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  What's the difference between moms and dads?
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real
>> power 'cause
>> >
>> > >>> that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  *****************************
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  What does your Mom do in her spare time?
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  1. Mothers don't do spare time.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  **********************
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
>> > >>> plastic surgery.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  *************************
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get
>> >rid
>> > >>> of that.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
>> > >>> did it and not me.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her
>> >back.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  ==============================
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  THE MOMMY TEST
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked
>> up something
>> >
>> > >>> off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took
>> the item away
>> >
>> > >>> from her and I asked her not to do that.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  "Why?" my daughter asked.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been,
>> >it's
>> > >>> dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and
>> > >>> asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  "Uh," ...I was thinking quickly,"All moms know this stuff.
>> It's on the
>> >
>> > >>> Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
>> > >>> pondering this new information.  "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if
>> >you
>> > >>> don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
>> > >>>
>> > >>>  "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my
>> > >>> heart.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>
>> > >>>
>> > >>>When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>
>> > >>>
>> > >>>=====================
>> > >>>
>> > >>>
>> > >>>
>> > >>>"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look
>> > >>>on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."  He would have
>> > >>>continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl who was
>> > >>>listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly
>> >in
>> > >>>her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
>> > >>>
>> > >>>
>> > >>>
>> > >>>Church was pretty much over at that point...........



Friday, November 18, 2005

Fw: BARBIE


Subject: FW: BARBIE
 
A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. 
So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:

Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95
Volleyball Barbie: $19.95
Shopping Barbie: $19.95
Surfer Barbie: $19.95
Disco Barbie: $19.95
and
Divorced Barbie: $299.95

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the other Barbies are $19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewelry
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend...

Sunday, October 30, 2005

FW: Three Old Men

 



"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."








Monday, October 17, 2005

MORRIS AND ESTHER


 
 

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR.

EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER."

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, " I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

A FEW YEARS LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR.
MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT
HELICOPTER NOW, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND $50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID, "FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S
50 DOLLARS."

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED -- AND UP THEY WENT.

THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FA NCY MANEUVERS.
BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD.

HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.


WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS. HE SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."


 

Friday, October 14, 2005

Why We Love Children

 

Why We Love Children   

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."



2. A small boy is sent to bed! by his father.

Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"




3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him "How do you expe ct to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"




4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm

a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room"

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy"




5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's

sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to! iron."




6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old

came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into
the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"




7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."




8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken ! Little

to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried
to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,

"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."




10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
! The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"




11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."





Monday, September 26, 2005

FW: The Potato

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"